Don't try to disprove Terry Pratchett

The mighty hedgehog Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have to say this as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Gytha Ogg, as readers of Pratchett’s Discworld novels will know, has a penchant for drinking songs with rather rude lyrics. The two mentioned most frequently are “A Wizard’s Staff Has a Knob on the End” (possible lyrics) and “The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered at All”.

The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They’ll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you’ll find will appall:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Clearly, Dear Reader, you are thinking to yourself that this bit of ribald folk wisdom is naught but common sense. Alas! Witness, if you will this sobering article from Ananova (via reddit):

A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after he had sex with a hedgehog on a witchdoctor’s advice.

Zoran Nikolovic, 35, from Belgrade, says the witchdoctor told him it would cure his premature ejaculation.

But he ended up in an operating theatre after the hedgehog’s needles left his penis severely lacerated.

A hospital spokesman said: “The animal was apparently unhurt and the patient came off much worse from the encounter. We have managed to repair the damage to his penis.”

Clearly, Mr. Pratchett’s novels need to be translated into Serbian.

I find the choice of the word “witchdoctor” is also quite curious, and I admit that I was previously unaware that this particular trade is practiced on the Balkan Peninsula.

Practiced, dare I observe, with a rather direct sense of humor.

At the end of the day, when you’ve had your rough way
With all of those creatures, you’ll just have to say
“That damned Erinaceous has been my downfall–”
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

(There have been far too many fan attempts to create lyrics for the Hedgehog Song.)

(Hedgehog image courtesy of stonefaction.)

4 replies on “Don't try to disprove Terry Pratchett”

I thought I had visted your blog before but I do not recognise it from this post, forgive me, if this is the first post I have read of yours, but on reflection I think not: not mind boggeling, entertaining certainly, breaking new ground too but I think I will stick to my own Doctor should this problem ever arise. So good advice quite obviously.

Welcome, Robert, whether you are returning or have dropped by for the first time. I admit that this topic is perhaps a bit beyond my usual pale, but my humors were tending toward the whimsical.

Also, having owned a hedgehog, I feel some (strictly Platonic, I assure you) affection for them.

I came across this page while searching for the lyrics of the song in ‘Nightwatch’. I find it highly ammusing, being a fan of both the darwin awards and the little colony of hedgehogs in my backyard!