In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition!
[carves a ‘V’ into the sign]
The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it’s my very good honor to meet you and you may call me “V.”
Variants include A, B, (and another B from 4Chan’s /b/), C, D, M, O, P, S, and even a doubly abecedarian version. By the time I made it in with Q, general attention had flittered elsewhere, so I reproduce it here for posterity. While not perfectly capturing every nuance of the original (and with a few soleicisms and, dare I say, arguable malaprops), it does a manage to exhaust a good chunk of the relevant sections of Chambers and OED. Should your Scrabble ruleset allow you to use a proper dictionary, you may find it of some actual use.
Please note that, unlike the original, it was declaimed between sessions at an archaeology conference (the reader is left to determine where), and the speaker is sporting an unusual hairstyle rather than a Guy Fawkes mask.
Quidam, a quaint and quondam quipster, queased to the quomodo of quarry and quisling by the queerness of kismet. This quirled quiff, no mere quixotic quodlibetary, is a quantum of the quisquose quorum, now quiesced and quieted. However, this quercine quintessence of a queasomed querimony quinches quickened, and has quested to quelch these quæstuary, quisquilious, and quinsied quabs quapping with quedhead and quething the quatting quassation and quackling quodding of querulation.
[quinses a ‘Q’ into the podium’s quadra]
The quale of the quest is quietus for the qued; held as a quæsitum, not quiddling, for the quality and quiddity of such shall one day queme the querist and the quiddle.
[quacks with laughter]
Quand même, this quarring quagmire of quethery quirks most quotted, so let me quickly qualify that it quite quiches me to meet you, mon capitaine, and you may call me ‘Q’.
Should you not have your copy of the Oxford English Dictionary to hand (for shame!), here’s a rough extraction of the meaning (as also posted here):
|(An exhortation to inquiry)
|Quidam, a quaint and quondam quipster,
|Someone, an old-fashioned and peculiar person who was once a jester,
|queased to the quomodo of quarry and quisling
|pressed into behaving in the manner of one who is hunted and one who is a collaborating traitor
|by the queerness of kismet.
|by the oddness of inescapable destiny.
|This quirled quiff,
|This twisted and curled forelock,
|no mere quixotic quodlibetary,
|more than an impractically romantic, academic flight of fancy
|is a quantum of the quisquose quorum,
|is an infinitesimal part of the troublesome polity, (quorum is here used fig. to refer to the participants in a democracy)
|now quiesced and quieted.
|now made inactive and suppressed.
|However, this quercine quintessence
|However, this oaken embodiment of the essence
|of a queasomed querimony
|of a smothered complaint (fig., the disquiet of the populace)
|stirs into life,
|and has quested to quelch
|and has engaged in a mission to crush
|these quæstuary, quisquilious and quinsied quabs
|these money-grubbing, rubbishy, diseased sea-slugs
|quapping with quedhead and quething
|throbbing with wickedness and proclaiming
|the quatting quassation and quackling quodding of querulation.
|the pressing beating-down and choking imprisionment of complaint.
|[quinses a ‘Q’ into the quadra]
|[cuts a ‘Q’ into the podium’s plinth]
|The quale of the quest
|The essence of the mission
|is quietus for the qued;
|is death for the evil;
|held as a quæsitum,
|held as the goal that is sought,
|for the quality and quiddity of such
|for the excellence and essential nature of such
|shall one day queme the querist and the quiddle.
|shall one day please the seeker and the fastidious. (This sense of ‘quiddle’ is a bit more pejorative than I’d like, but perhaps it fits the speaker’s general attitude of condescension.)
|[quacks with laughter]
|[brays with harsh laughter]
|this quarring quagmire of quethery
|this coagulating morass of blather
|quirks most quotted,
|veers to the cloying,
|so let me quickly qualify
|let me briefly state
|that it quite quiches me to meet you,
|that I am much moved by meeting you,
|mon capitaine, and you may call me “Q”.
|my captain, and you may call me ‘Q’.
CC-licensed image of an incised letter ‘Q’ by flickr user chrisinplymouth.