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Persistently Vegetative Martyrs

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am episkopos of a Discordian splinter group, the Order of the A.’.A.’. (The true A.’.A.’., of course; all other claimants can be safely ignored.)

It is written in the Principia Discordia:

It seems that Zeus was preparing a wedding banquet for Peleus and Thetis and did not want to invite Eris because of Her reputation as a trouble maker.

This made Eris angry, and so She fashioned an apple of pure gold and inscribed upon it KALLISTI (“To The Prettiest One”) and on the day of the fete She rolled it into the banquet hall and then left to be alone and joyously partake of a hot dog.

This is true as far as it goes, but it is our fervent claim that, during that feast, Our Lady Eris did not roll a golden apple among the guests there present, but rather a golden eggplant: the Aboriginal Aubergine. Despite the self-evident nature of this assertion, it is accepted by surprisingly few people.

The principal task of the A.’.A.’. is keeping up with the Smiths. (The Joseph Smith, Jrs., that is.) Discordians have an ever-increasing number of Saints: anyone properly deserving can be declared a Saint Second Class. (There are four higher degrees of Sainthood, but they are typically reserved for fictional characters.) Despite these relatively lax standards, Discordianism still lags well behind the Mormons in total number of saints.

To rectify this, members of the A.’.A.’. must create as many new saints as possible; due to the difficulty of finding deserving human beings, it is permitted to canonize vegetables. Further, it must also be noted that the credibility of a faith can be increased by having a large number of martyrs. To this end, it is appropriate to eat the vegetable in question.

Further catmas shall be forthcoming.

All hail Discordia!

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